Notes from underground

يارب يسوع المسيح ابن اللّه الحيّ إرحمني أنا الخاطئ

Forget Chuck Norris — Steve is our man

Some years ago we were driving to Johannesburg along the N1 (when it was still a freeway, not a tollway) and I saw an advertising hoarding (billboard) announcing that Chuck Norris drives a …. (some brand of car).

I commented on this on LiveJournal, and wondered who Chuck Norris was, and discovered that he appeared in a TV series called Walker, Texas Ranger and that there were a lot of sayings about his exploits.

Someone else responded with this:

To Hell with Chuck, Steve is our man

  • Steve Hofmeyer once sakkied with 10 boere Poppies at once
  • Steve Hofmeyer drives a Tata
  • Steve Hofmeyer braais with his fingers
  • Steve Hofmeyer doesn’t support the Bulls, the Bulls support Steve Hofmeyer
  • Steve Hofmeyer doesn’t have a good voice, the microphone is scared of the Hofmeyer and makes his voice perfect
  • When Steve Hofmeyer stares at raw meat it turns to biltong
  • Bles Bridges didn’t die in a car crash Steve Hofmeyer beat him to death with a red rose
  • Steve Hofmeyer doesn’t keep a comb in his sock
  • Morkels gives Steve Hofmeyer any guarantee he wants
  • Steve Hofmeyer repossesses Bob Mugabe’s Farms…
  • Not even Chuck Norris gets as many fathers day cards as Steve Hofmeyer
Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris

Eventually that l;ist disappeared, along with the blog it was posted in, but I thought it was worth preserving as a snapshot of one aspect of South African (and world) culture about 10 years ago.

I don’t really do celebs, or brands, which puts me pretty much out of touch with current pop culture, in which, it appears, celebs and brands are the most important things. So all I really know about Steve Hofmeyer is the list of items above. I know he sings since the microphone is afraid of him. I don’t know whether Chuck Norris sings, and I can’t even remember what brand of car he drives.

Steve Hofmeyer

Steve Hofmeyer

We were reminded of it when we were chatting with a friend over coffee, and reminded of it again when Val got a speeding ticket from Bloemhof, saying that the offence took place at the Bles Bridges monument. We didn’t even know that there was a Bles Bridges monument.

I do know that Bles Bridges was a singer, because of a joke that did the rounds some years ago when Bles Bridges and Allan Boesak got divorced. It was something about an Elna and a Singer and a naaimasjien, but don’t ask me to tell it now, I’ll get it wrong. I heard it from Willem Saayman, of blessed memory (bles my bridges…) but he was sowing rather than sewing. I must end now because I’ve run out of puns.


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